Catholicism WOW!

William Mathews was 14 years old and two weeks away from confirmation. William had 10 siblings, 7 Girls and 3 Boys. Three of his sisters had kids themselves, and one of his brothers was only 16 and a father of two. This was considered an average family size for the large Catholic town of St. Pius. The town was named after Pope Pius IX who is largely known for his anti-semitism which is a value largely accepted and practiced in this loose community.

Fucking Jews. William thought to himself as he waited for his newly born brother to be baptized. William was an Altar boy like all of his brothers, his father, his father's father, and so on was. It had seemed that the night before Father O'Malley had been bar hopping with young William's father, so he seemed a bit hung over and grouchy as he walked into the room wearing a puke stained Man-Dress that Catholics always seem to wear.

"I am sorry for being late" Father O'Malley said as he walked to the front of the church. "I know this is going to sound strange, but our baptism tub is broken, so we are going to have to go to the only place here that currently has running water."

Father O'Malley motioned towards the men's room. "We will use God's porcelain throne"

"What are you Insane!?" William's mother asked him.

"Don't worry Marge; I have the God given power to bless pools of stagnant water. This will work perfectly."

William's mother stared at him for a little before finally agreeing. "True, you were appointed to your position by God himself through the cardinals."

Everyone piled into the Men's room and they began the elaborate ceremony after Father O'Malley blessed the toilet. Father O'Malley took the little infant boy and began some mind numbing speech that William had heard more times than he could remember. He then proceeded to dip the infant boys head into the water as everyone watched in excitement like they were all Fat Kid's strategically eyeing the last piece of cake.

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About 5 minutes had passed by as the Father was giving the toilet a dazed out blank stare. Finally someone decided to shake him out of his stupor.

"Oops, I am still a bit hung over." He said as he pulled William's infant brother out of the water.

"GAH!" Father O'Malley gasped as he realized he had just drowned the little infant. "Oh well, try to flush it and bring me the next one."

William's mother began to cry uncontrollably unable to even utter a word.

"Give me a break Marge. Did you really want that one anyways? I mean come on it had a funny shaped head, I doubt he would have been a keeper in the long run. Besides, you are a Catholic... You mate like a Rabbit and spawn like a Salmon."

Days passed after the incident and William's mother was already pregnant again and everyone was sitting in church attending the grueling 4 hour Sunday mass. William was in the back after his Altar boy duties with his three best friends Mark, Josh, and Brandon.

"Father O'Malley must have had a rough week." William said to Mark. "His kill count spiked quite a bit. He is barely batting .500 in this whole baptism ordeal."

"Yeah. I heard yesterday he accidentally dipped Sister Ursula's niece into a bathroom sink absently forgetting to remove the plugged in curling iron away from the sink. Her house still smells like electrically burnt baby."

"Well that beats the Washing Machine incident." Josh chimed in.

"Hush Boys" Cardinal Gus told the boys. Cardinal Gus was about 93 years old and still looked young and healthy. It was rumored that the Cardinal was able to keep his youth by his artful skill of molestation. Cardinal Gus was world renown by the Catholic world holding every major molestation record there was. He was considered the Michael Jackson of Catholicism. Not just because they were both dirty pedophiliac fucks; but because every time he went to court over it he was tried by the people who liked and respected him, so was always found innocent. "Are you excited about your confirmation William?" he asked.

"Yes! I can't wait. Unlike my brother that Father O'Malley accidentally killed I want to spend my time in purgatory knowing I will eventually go to Heaven."

"Yeah. That is too bad about your brother though. You know if he hadn't died a Catholic baby he would have instantly went to heaven and bypassed purgatory. However, since he was baptized to officially become a Catholic and wasn't confirmed he now has to wait in purgatory before going to hell."

"If you ask me that seems like a severe flaw in the Catholic religion since you can only go to heaven after you have been confirmed." Brandon said.

"Not really. Our religion is very selective. We like you to grow out of the good ripe molestation age of your life 2-13. If you haven't quit our insane cult like religion by the age of 14, or haven't died you are well on your way to becoming confirmed. All you have to do is pick a Saint that you really don't know jack shit about to idolize for the rest of your life. Because we all know that picking a Saint to put into your name is a KEY step to getting in to heaven."

"That is really interesting! I hope I make it to my confirmation." Brandon said.

"The outcome is doubtful for you. You are about as pathetic as a cult that worships Mary about as much as they do Jesus Christ our lord and savior."

"Bummer. Maybe I'll try the Mormon religion."

The next day after school William caught up to his friends sitting on the school stage in their small gym listening to an epic reading from the Catholic Bible.

"You know after Gus said I was a big doubtful on the getting confirmed thing I have been actively seeking a new religion." Brandon said after the reading was over.

"I know what you mean." Josh said. "I was looking at this one cool religion. Scientology. This dude named L. Ron Hubbard is the founder of the church. The teachings are so believable; they have completely drawn me in. Who would have thought that before creating this wonderful "religion", he use to be an American Science Fiction writer! I mean come on, he writes Science Fiction so who would know better about Aliens populating this planet better than him?"

"Interesting. This guy does seem legit. Maybe this religion is worth checking out." Brandon replied.

"You know you have a point. Following a guy who writes books filled with Magic and Aliens, and one day comes to conclusion that his books are no longer make believe and this stuff really does happen is well worth it. The guy seems completely stable as does his followers. Tom Cruise is the turning point for me, if he is in it, it must be good."

Will William and the Boys fall prey to Scientology! Or will Logic prevail and they will remain Catholi.... err Will Logic prevail and they will find a more legit Christian Religion! Stay tuned!